Walking in the Back of the Crowd (and 4 Tips to Get to the Front)

A Bit of Background

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am a Christian. I believe in God, our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I was born in the gospel. My parents converted in their early years of marriage in Mexico. The gospel has been and remains to be the biggest blessing in my life. I am grateful my parents took a leap of faith and got baptized in the church and sealed in the temple. They set the foundation during my childhood years that would save me from a miserable life (I will definitely write about those times in a future post). My Savior helped me get through and out the most challenging days of my life.

I have been on all sides of the spectrum: The child that relied on her parents testimony. The high school girl on drugs and alcohol. And the young adult that realized life without Jesus isn’t the life to live. I made a choice to be a true and faithful disciple of Christ and I have been. Yet, lately I have been feeling a huge disconnect with Jesus.

Struggling…Once Again

I know what I need to do, what I MUST do, to reconnect with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. Yet, here I am struggling. Don’t get me wrong, I still attend church, I still pray, I still teach my girls about Jesus, I still do everything I should be doing but it’s just not the relationship I had with Him before. Becoming a mother has changed my life to the core when it comes to studying my scriptures consistently and prayerfully. If I do get the chance it’s a fast read because I have two mouths to feed…But when do I get fed? I don’t, because I’m reading blindly. That NEEDS to change.

Late Night Revelation

My husband, Eric and I were talking late one night, and by late I mean 9:15 pm. I was telling him how I have been struggling to feel the spirit, to feel peace, to feel connected with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I told Eric that no matter what “season” or “stage” I am in life that I will always be a disciple of Christ. I will ALWAYS follow Him. Will I be next to Him as He is leading a crowd to His next sermon? No, I will be in the back of the crowd. I don’t feel worthy to walk beside Him.What will I say, what will we talk about? Will He know that I am not at my best? Will He hear the struggle in my voice as I try to carry a conversation? Will He feel the lost in me? Yes, yes to all of it. And you know what? I know that Jesus Christ will love me no matter what. Even if I feel too tired to read scriptures but not too tired for Netflix. Even if I get anxiety and never bear my testimony in front of the congregation. Even if I am in a . I am grateful for His unconditional love but I want to feel worthy of it. He deserves better, I deserve better. I can not go halfies on something so important as my salvation and love for Him. I mean He died for me, He died for us. I Can and Will try harder everyday to be the disciple I know I am.

I do not like overwhelming myself as I’m sure most of you don’t. As women we already have 507 things on our to do list! I would love to share with you 4 steps I have been working on to better my relationship with Him. If you ever feel far, you are not. Do these 4 steps everyday and I know you will feel His spirit close to you.

1. Keep Praying

When you are getting to know someone you talk to them, right? You have a two way conversation. This is the first step to reconnecting with Him. Just talk to Him. Pray. Pray wherever you are. Tell him how you are feeling. Pour out your soul to him, you need it. Tell him everything. He wont always respond with words but he will talk back with peace. The heavens are open to us. He is open to us. Let’s communicate.

“Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whitersoever thou goest let ut be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.” – Alma 37:36

2. Have Faith

In Mark 5:25-34 we read about a woman with an “issue of blood twelve years,” who met with many physicians and doctors but ended up worse each time. She heard of the Savior passing by and pressed through the crowd as she said to herself “If I may but touch His clothes, I shall be whole.” Imagine having that kind of faith. Imagine being so sure of Jesus Christ that if we even touch the bottom of his garment we will be healed. If that isn’t goals…I don’t know what is. Jesus responded to this faithful disciple by saying “Thy faith has made thee whole.” We can all be made whole. Even during our darkest days we can follow His light and he will heal us. My husband once said, “He gives us opportunities to show Him that we love Him.” This is how we show him love. Having faith through practice everyday. It takes work. Sometimes we just have to reach out to catch hold.

3. Learn of Him

Earlier I said to get to know someone you have to talk to them, but it is also essential for us to study them. In a true relationship you know the other persons likes/dislikes, what they love to do and see, and especially what makes them special. When I’ve felt far from Him I try to make the time to study about Him from the best places. The scriptures (The Bible, Book of Mormon, D&C, Pearl of Great Price, and church magazines) are full of His story. What does He like? What does He love? What makes Him truly happy? How can I be more like Him? What do I need to know to be closer to Him?

4. Always Follow Him

My last piece of advice to you (and myself) is to always follow Him. It does not matter where you are in the crowd, don’t stop following. Don’t stop. Keep moving forward. Keep believing. Keep walking, and one day, you will have the confidence to walk beside Him. You will be able to converse with Him because you know, in your heart, that you are worthy to do so. Just know that He has always thought you were. Our Savior invites us all to follow Him. He wants us around, He wants me around Him. How special are we that He wants us to be with him.

My journey has not been easy, but it has been worth it. It has been worth it because it has always ended with me and Him.

Ladies, it is a beautiful day for a walk. I hope to see you all in the crowd.

Let’s chase the radiance together and forever,

XOXO,

Rudyko Taylor